My First Critic and the Case for Solo Female Travel
September 2024: Image by Leah J. Photography.
I got my first hate comment this week.
(Well, to my face that is. I am sure not everyone loves my writing, but I try not to think about it too much!)
For the sake of anonymity, I will call him Alex.
At first I thought Alex was trying to flirt with me, direct messaging back and forth about how he thinks autumns in Missouri are better than England. But then I realized it wasn’t banter. He actually really doesn’t like my writing, or my life choices.
He said Girl Gone Durham would be a better title for a children’s book.
He said my writing “just seems to lack heart” but “at least you’re doing something to try and understand your life in a more full way.”
At this point, I could have just given him the finger. But I like to give people the benefit of the doubt.
So, I tried to explain to him that my writing is more on symbolism and aspirational marketing than utility. My aim is to inspire young Americans to see the world, through fun and witty writing (if I do say so myself).
And this is when things got interesting.
Pre-Marital Travel as “Violating the Order of God”
Alex: “Young people are so cooked…they should be aspiring to educate themselves in a STEM field and enlighten themselves on how to contribute most to their local community...”
Me: “I see your point. Those are good things to aspire to. However, I think young people wanting to travel, be entertained and potentially live abroad are all positives. Sure, there is a bit of hedonism in travel, but I think international travel and education is the key to more peace in the world. I also think human curiosity to travel is instinctual.”
Alex: “I don’t think it’s hedonistic, I just think we need a return to tradition and traditional values before we experience these things in life. The instinct to travel also tends to be more masculine, unless women are married/protected…”
April 2022: Having a picnic in a meadow in Trujillo, Spain when I was 20 with some friends. I think people who love to travel also have a certain lust for life that’s addictive to be around.
I asked him what he meant specifically by traditions, and he responded “in the simplest way it's the order of God.”
Alex continued, “The traveling thing I don’t care about but so many women will never find someone that completes them because usually that one is someone they grew up nearby and comes from a similar family.”
I responded, “Yeah, my philosophy is that I certainly hope for love and pray for love but I don't want to wait around for love. Like in the meantime, I will educate myself, travel the world, grow my profession and become financially stable.”
He then said…
“Well, people may say that you’re violating the order of God because your concept/capacity of love will come from a man not your travels.”
Some of the incredible places I would have missed out on if I hadn’t gone by myself: Whistler, Canada; Flores, Guatemala; Glendalough, Ireland; Lake Como, Italy; London, England; Amsterdam, The Netherlands.
So, to clarify I understood what he just said to me, I asked, “So, you think there is an argument that women should wait to travel until they are married?”
“As general advice yes, but if you were traveling with your parents that would also fall under advisable action.”
A few messages later, I asked him if men traveling before marriage “violates the order of God” to the same extent as it does for women.
He said, “I don’t think either violate the order of God, but both could.”
It’s unclear to me what my critic really thought of premarital travel. He seemed to dance around it a bit. Despite not really knowing what he thinks, I think his comments are reflective of a lot of young men that I’ve encountered thus far in my early twenties. Notice that I say a lot and not all.
The Rise of the Podcasters
I know, this idea that women should not travel before marriage sounds extreme; however, you would be surprised with how much momentum this rhetoric is gaining, especially in the U.S.
The TikTok algorithm is messed up on my phone. I would like to see travel videos, maybe some chocolate chip cookies, but whenever I open the app, it inevitably shows me some balding podcaster in his 30s sitting around with his friends discussing his search for the mythical “wifey.”
(And, don’t even get me started on the gross sl*t-shaming that is pervasive throughout TikTok).
I have actually heard with my own ears a podcaster say, “It's a red flag if a woman has travelled a lot. Then, you can’t show her the world; she’s showing you around.”
“Yeah, she’s already had her own life. Wouldn’t you want someone who you can show around?”
I mean, if traveling without a man is wrong, I don’t want to be right! A holiday without men sounds quite relaxing and blissful to me.
August 2024: Dan and Kamil getting in my picture in Slovenia. You see? Men ruining the relaxation on a holiday!
I am grappling with the notion of a well-travelled woman as a red flag. I think it comes down to insecurity. If a woman has not travelled, she can’t hold this over a man. The lack of her travels then becomes an advantage for these men.
I am far more worldly and intelligent from my travels to 23 countries than I was when I was 18-year-old, and had only been to one country.
I only view being knowledgeable and cultured as assets, not deficits. Maybe these men just need to travel more themselves, and they wouldn’t be so insecure. My article Top Tips for American Tourists on Blending In is a great starting point ;)
My Critic’s Wisdom
I want to conclude this by acknowledging my critic’s wisdom. I think there is a lot of beauty in traveling with your spouse, and something really special in that. I adore the pictures of my grandparents together in Nassau, Disneyworld and Rome.
(How’s that for lacking heart, Alex?)
BUT, like I said earlier, I am not going to sit at home, knitting, waiting for Country Bob to come sweep me off my feet. I’ve got 100 countries to see and time is ticking!
Anyway, enough on this. I need to go book my (solo) flight to Sydney, and I guess “violate the order of God” a bit more.
